My Neonatal NICU Experience

Around September of last year I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited as it was my second child and my husbands first. Things were going perfect for about 1 week, then came the blood. I had a hematoma on the placenta and was in and out of the hospital because I thought I was going to lose my little bean. I was terrified and on top of that, my husband and I were going through a rough patch so emotions were up and down. After a few weeks the hematoma passed and the doctors didn’t mention it anymore. I had a bad feeling but I didn’t want to dwell on it. Fast forward 3 months and we move to Louisiana. Everything was spinning and crazy, we had to find a doctor and fast because I was approaching 20 weeks. Once we found a doctor and I had my 20 week checkpoint I was informed that he was small for his gestation age. We had to contact the doctors from South Carolina and have them confirm that I was in fact 20 weeks. After that battle, things were peaceful for about 3 weeks. I had to go back to the doctor and we found out that our baby hasn’t grown at all. Although he was still kicking and moving, he was the same size. Apparently, he wasn’t;t getting any nutrients from the placenta and his umbilical cord flow was stagnant. I broke down. It was the worst news I had ever gotten. Over the next few weeks he might’ve grown an ounce if that. I tried everything to get him to grow. Diets, exercises and even meditation. Nothing worked. One Saturday while we were out I felt off. Something was wrong so I went to recline in the car. I couldn’t feel my baby move anymore. It’s like his little body just got so tired. We went to the hospital the next day because honestly I was scared and thought it was just my imagination. When we got to the hospital they put some type of buzzer to my stomach to wake him up but he didn’t respond. I was given the option of waiting for him to eventually pass inside of me or see if he can survive outside of the womb. Of course I wanted him to have his best fighting chance so I opted to have an emergency c section. I had a c section with my first son but this time was way scarier. When they pulled Himont I tried so hard to hear his little cry but it wasn’t there. He was alive but barely. They quickly rushed him to the next room with my husband close behind. I wanted to see him so bad but the drugs they gave me were the absolute worst. I couldn’t keep my eyes open for what felt like days. The I finally came to, I asked to eat some real food and see my baby. Without thinking about the outcome, I scarfed down my food (it was so good) and was aided into my wheelchair and down we went. I had seen him before on camera but looking at his tiny body in person was surreal. Was this little thing really my baby? Why didn’t my body do what it was intended to do? I had so many questions and no answers at the time. Then out of nowhere, I got really dizzy and nauseous. My ears were muffled and I was rocking from side to side. I threw up all of my dinner and had to be wheeled out of there ASAP. I felt so bad, I couldn’t even see my baby. Over the next few days we talked to doctor after doctor, nurse after nurse to see if there was anything we could do for him to get better. There was nothing we could do. The night before I was to be discharged we gathered our family and told them we had decided to pull the plug on our precious baby. We felt as though there was nothing in this world we could do for him but to be a peaceful gateway into the next. This was by far the hardest decision a parent has to make. We took it hard. My son didn’t understand so we tried our best to explain to him that his brother was sick and has to go back to Heaven. When our family left, we went down the NICU to love him as hard as we could for the last time. I was mixed with emotions as we went down. Sad because he was leaving, happy because we get to see him one last time, anxious because I didn’t know what to expect and so much more. I finally got to do skin to skin. I was in love. I was holding my baby close to my heart, I felt his fragile warm skin on mine. I think my body knew he was close because I felt the urge to breastfeed but couldn’t because of the tubes in his mouth. He probably didn’t know how to suckle yet anyway. After that the tubes came out. The machine as buzzing and he was gagging. It was traumatic for us. My husband held him close as we watched our precious baby fade into God’s hands. The rooms quiet as we cried and mourned. However, I felt a sense of relief. I knew he wouldn’t have to be tied up to any tubes or machines anymore. He was finally free of fighting to survive. We were free to grieve. It was strange leaving the hospital without him in my arms. It was by far the worst ride home. I was pained mentally, physically, and emotionally. The first few days were hard but having family around made it a lot easier. Once they left, it was just me and my husband. We talked about him, cried together, and missed him dearly. It got easier as time went on but it still hurts so much. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this but I know this has made me more resilient and wiser. He’s always with us, I can feel him.

Vacationing By Myself

Sometimes I just want to get away, far away. It’s not that I have some terrible life and want to escape, I just want to go somewhere alone and enjoy myself. I feel like every mom has that feeling of just wanting to pick up and leave one day. Of course I would tell my husband and son where and wen I’m going because I’m not “running away”. There’s just so much going on at home sometimes and every little thing gets on my nerves. Like occasionally my son wouldn’t want to play in his room or watch tv, he just wants to see what I’m doing on the computer and ask 168,943 questions. I love that he wants to spend time with me and I love that I don’t have to pry him away from the tv but he picks the wrong times to do these things. It’s like he can sense when I’m tense and frustrated on the computer and try to help me out but does so by making me even more frustrated. Then I end up lashing out at him and he runs to his room crying which makes me feel terrible. It’s like a never-ending loop of bad emotions and I can’t get out. AND THEN there’s the cats, they are the most self entitled little butts with the cutest faces. They do the most cattiest things at the wrong times like knocking something over as soon as I sit down, poop in the litter box 2 minutes after I clean the litter box, and get litter EVERYWHERE! All of this can make me feel super disgruntled and uneasy which makes the day go bad because I’m putting out and attracting all of the this bad energy. At the end of this bad day, my husband gets home and tells me about his either bad or good day and when I start to tell him about mine it doesn’t seem as bad as I feel so I just brush it off. Maybe I shouldn’t just brush it off because it is bad to me regardless if anyone else sees it as not so bad. I know “things could always be worse” but that doesn’t negate how I feel at this moment. That’s why I want to go on a vacation by myself, I don’t think it would be so bad for me to get away and  get some me time. So now I have this thing when I get upset or frustrated I look up vacation spots, flights and hotels all for 1 person and pretend I’m preparing for my long awaited vacation. I look up places like Colorado, California and Seattle when I want to stay within the country and Nigeria, Japan, and Canada when I want to venture out over seas. I’ve even looked into getting a passport because I have yet to get one. The only thing keeping me from all of this is money. I’m a stay at home mom at the moment but when my son starts school I plan on working ANYWHERE to get out of the house and make my own money so I’m not totally dependent on my husband. I would like to work within my degree but that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen but it’s ok, I don’t have any student debt (yay freakin me!).

 

I will go on my “Mecation” and enjoy/find myself where ever I go. I am speaking it into existence NOW. I will go.

Finding Myself

So I’m oaths journey of trying to find myself. As generic as it sounds, it’s true. Finding one’s self is a long and tedious journey for some while others find it quite simple to just step outside and there they are. On my journey, I want to find my purpose and help inspire others to do the same. I expect to struggle… a lot, but hopefully the outcome is better than the income.

To begin my journey I have set out to become a yogi, doula, and socialite all at the same time. These things all attract my attention at the moment so why not try to seize the moment and be the best that I can be!

More to come later….

Locs: Distrust the Process

So I’ve embarked on journey that means a lo to me. On the 3rd day of the year, I decided to officially loc my hair. Now this may not seem like a big deal to many but to a lot of women in my culture this is a huge transition. Not to be stereotypical but this black girl loves her some hair whether it be wigs, braids, or weaves I LOVE IT. I’ve been thinking about this for a very long time before I finally decided to go for it. It all started in 2012 when I went full on natural and really started experimenting with my hair. I’ve had literally everything that could possibly be done my hair done except locs. At a young age my hair was healthy and long but as I grew older and dumber I completely ruined my hair. At this point in my life I don’t really feel like changing my hair like I change underwear, I’m ready to settle down with one general style that doesn’t take AS MUCH time. Little did I know that this style take A LOT of time in the beginning stages. There is so much to learn about locs that I, unfortunately, have to learn the hard way. For example, in the beginning you shouldn’t over wash your hair or your locs will take longer to loc up and DO NOT add any unnecessary products to your hair or you’ll risk having product buildup. of course I’ve read these rules in countless articles but I still somehow managed to go against the grain and do whatever. I am now suffering from locs half locking and massive buildup. I am actively looking for remedies for my hair and have yet to find anything for the half locked pieces and the buildup. It’s quite discouraging to have so many struggles this early my journey and sometimes I even consider starting over (yet again) but everyone says to “trust the process”. How exactly do you a trust a process that is unique to every head. Maybe I can trust YOUR process but mine I’m. not so sure about. Hopefully I can get a handle on this before things go completely wrong.

 

Pray for my Locs.

Happy Birthday From Everyone Else Except Me, Love Mom

It’s that time of year again, my son’s birthday. For the past 5 years (his whole life basically) I’ve been relying on everyone else to get him a present ad make a big deal out of his birthday. At first I did this to save money. Being a semi single college student with a baby and part time job was a huge strain on my pockets so needless to say things were tighter than a camels butt in a sandstorm. Then it became because I didn’t always make big deals out of birthdays, I mean mine were never really “celebrated” to the extent of other’s. The first 5 of my sons birthdays were mostly just to please him. There were toys, maybe a cake and more toys. Come to think of it, he’s never even really had guests his age attend his little shindigs. I don’t have a lot of friends with children or cousins with children so he’s the youngest and only child (that I’m aware of) on my side of the family. You know what, I lied. He had a child guest on his 3rd birthday! Anywho, birthdays are just not that huge to me. I used to feel bad for relying on everyone else to celebrate his birthday but now I don’t because I know he’s happy and has a great day. That’s all that matters to me. I do, however, still have lingering questions like “will he remember not having big parties” and “how will it have an impact on him”. I’m not too worried though because if he ever wanted something big I’m not opposed to throwing the most awesome party known to his age group. In the meantime, I will not be buying toys because he will be getting so many toys from everyone else and I’m not trying to have a a home full of toys that I know for a fact he will play with for a day and never touch it again. Besides, I buy him so much junk during the year that I don’t even think it would matter if I skipped his birthday. Judge me as you may but this is my parenting style and it works for us.